Whatever makes you lonely

Ah..the future

2006-02-28T06:01:37Z

My brother got into a college, well tech school but w/e. its this automotive tech school in ohio which is supposed to be really good. its a 1 or 2 year program or somewhere in between those two numbers, im not really sure. well the point is that idk how things are going to be when hes gone. sure hes annoying as hell, i mean he just literally spent an hour annoying me until i told him something he wanted to know(something i didnt want to tell him) but hes my brother. hes been around for my entire life, the entire 16 (almost 17) years of my existence i havent gone longer than one week without seeing him. it feels weird when hes gone for extended periods of time, even if its only 3 days. i dont even feel that way when i dont see my parents for weeks. its weird. im sure hell visit but how often will that be, once a month? its just going to be weird. and before he gets back ill probably be gone somewhere to college. things are just going to be different.
People are always talking about the future in such fondness. theyre always so happy that theyre going to get out of this town, out of this school. i think im the only one that doesnt feel that way. i feel like high school is so easy and that life is only going to get harder. i never thought of college as such a high point in life.
I dont even know where the hell im even going to college, i havent looked at anything. nor do i have the slightest clue as to what im going to study. some people see that im kinda into art and they ask where are you going, art school? but i dont have anywhere near the amount of talent i would need to use that skill in a career. im ok, but if you compare my work to anyone else's who is considered "good" mine will always look like shit. i dont know what im doing with my life. im always going to be too lazy to do anything. i couldnt even bring myself to practice driving and now my test is within 3 weeks and im a terrible driver. im going to have to be one of those kids that gets back to school the next day and everyone asks did you pass? and im going to have to say no and explain why 30 times. ah....whatever i guess life could be worse, at least i didnt get arrested.(no offense)

Personality Disorder Test

2005-11-06T04:58:30Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Stereotype

2005-10-23T17:42:46Z

Black people claim white people cant dance.

I have come up with a theory on why this is true. Its the music, "black" music tends to have a steady drum and bass scheme that is usually easy to follow. "White" music is just crazy different shit all over the place. Without a continuous beat theres nothing to follow and by getting used to not following the beat white people dont learn to dance to music in a way black people would see as acceptable.

That is my justification for this stereotype. Thank you.

I guess its the romantic in me

2005-10-21T03:13:52Z

Im realistic, i realize the truth but im too optomistic to accept it.

Ive reached a standstill.

(my entries lately say just about the same thing dont they? i guess its gona keep going till i run out of ways to explain it)

bah...

But its one forward, two back

2005-10-08T17:24:02Z

Sometimes you need to look at yourself from a view outside of your own world, a view outside of your emotions to see what is really around you. to see what you really have.

its kinda sad when you figure out it isnt really much.

i guess you could go back to your world or move on. you could keep pretending or recognize how much youve lied to yourself and come clean. or maybe you could just keep asking yourself these questions and never answer them.

im getting tired of procrastinating, i think ill come clean.

i probably just lied to myself again. its kinda hard to tell.

whatever.

And by You I probably mean Me

2005-09-27T04:48:16Z

I was thinking about what ifs. those situations that you always picture going differently and working out better if you had only said or done something different, something "right". the things you play over and over in your head trying to decipher untill you finally realize that youre reading too much into it. even if it wasnt such a big event, just all the little things you catch, all the insignificant little things that you accidentaly take as signs. they werent really anything tho, just things that stood out when you saw them because you were looking for them. i guess you were looking because you hope that what you see might be true. although it probably isnt. so you take all these things you accumulate and build an idea. even if it has been in your head in the past and you discarded it because well, it was just in your head, it wasnt real. and you take this idea and start bringing more little hopes into it. before you know it you have so many little signs that you think it must be true. although its only based on little hopes and little situations that mean nothing. nothingness that you took as signs because you think, what if those situations had gone differently? what if you had done something different, what would have happened then? but if it had gone differently nothing would have changed. your hopes would still be untrue and everything would still be the same. its fun to pretend tho. believing that something that makes you happy is true, even if a part of you knows its completely false. eventually you run into more signs, things that tell you you might have been wrong. you begin to doubt yourself. finally you realize what youve been doing wrong. reading too much into things, thats been the problem all along. you recreated so many situations that they became what you wanted them to be instead of what they really were. you fabricated this entire complication in your head, from begining to end. and althought it shouldnt, it breaks your heart. sometimes tho, you go back to the first what ifs. the ones that made you happier because your hopes had come true. sometimes you get back in that mindset and you start seeing more signs and you start believing it again and it starts all over again. you start to set yourself up for another disapointment. even if your doubts told you better. but those doubts didnt mean anything... because it makes you happier to pretend that what you want is real.

Chocolate, Bass and Accents

2005-09-11T05:33:59Z

Today i purchased 2 bars of hershey's chocolate. one was white chocolate and the other mocha almond(i think theire getting a little starbucksesque with chocolate). i had nothing against the mocha almond(exept the name) but the white chocolate i most def had problems with...yo. what is my beef with white chocolate you ask? well for one thing, it is probably the worst tasting chocolate out of all chocolate. secondly, i dont understand why they had to make chocolate white. maybe some white supremists got together in a lab determined to make chocolate white in order to take another good thing from the black man (i.e. jazz,rock n roll,slang(well actually slang isnt good but they stole it either way)) now im not saying this is a documented fact... but it could be possible. another thing was that they put some crazy colored cookie bits in it and called it conffeti. to be honest, at first sight this confetti looked gross but i ate it anyway thinking what do i have to lose? turns out i did have something to lose, my liking of chocolate. luckily the mocha almond showed me that there still might be some hope in the chocolate world.

another thing i did today was go to bass lessons. this week my regular teacher got back from touring and he actually remembered me. this is suprising cause i only had him once before he left. anyway, i think i might of gotten worse since i had him. i wasnt hitting the notes clean at all and things like that. i can play things, but i have to know them, and all the stuff they ask me to play i do NOT know which makes it sound horrible. im also trying to change the position of my hand over the fretboard so i can have a better range but its just making me play like shit. i guess its my fault for not practicing as much as i should. idk bass isnt working out so hot right now.

alright. accents. well, they are funny sometimes. sometimes i like listening to them because they make things sound better. my dad has an accent kind of.

its 9/11. creepy.

BEDlight for BlueEYES

2005-09-03T18:12:34Z

What a great night. full of comedy, suspence, action...all the good stuff. heres the story. me, jordan and erin went to bloomfield ave cafe last night to catch a bedlight show. on our way there we saw some people protesting the war w/ signs that said stop war! stop bush!(i couldnt really belive it was actually happening). we were practicaly next to them at a red light and jordan's dad(he was riding shotgun) rolled down the window and says "stop war! i love bush! i eat bush!" and a lady holding a sign (one of many)started yelling something at him but he just kept saying that. it was hilarious. a little later we got to the show and were waiting around for doors to open but some guy told everyone they werent gona open for another half hour and to come back. so me, erin and jordan walk down the street, turn the corner and sit on the curb behind the building. this is when the 2nd best part of the night happened.

erin decides hes gona walk down towards an alley to check something out and me and jordan are just sitting on the curb. then a cop car pulls up and the cop gets out. we think hes gona say something like move, cars come through here blah blah but no. he tells us that there was a call about kids smoking weed and tells us to stand up, turn around and put our hands against the wall. so he goes to jordan and starts patting him down. i thought it was so damn funny that this was happening to us, it was just amazing(in a wtf way). so then erin starts coming back and as soon as hes close the cop tells him to put his hands against the wall. then erin starts talking non stop. he kept talking the whole time just sort of making conversation with the cop. after the cop finds nothing on jordan he moves on to erin. then another cop gets there and the one feeling erin up(i think he was kinda into teenage boys) says to him "this one came from down by the alley, go check if theres any more kids or maybe he droped the bag there." when he finishes up w/ erin he moves on to me and by this time the other cop comes back and says theres nothing there(obviously). so the cop was searching me and he gets to my front pockets and he cant get his hands into them (pants too tight) i thought this was funny but i didnt laugh cause laughing in the cops face might of been bad. so he goes "turn out your pockets" so i take the stuff out of them and ask him to hold all my stuff (the jerk put it down on some shoping cart that was randomly there) and i turn out my pockets he finds nothing and they let us go. now, i understand that we looked kinda sketchy where we were and stuff but it is just unbeliveable that they can pick out maybe the 3 most straight edge kids in west orange and search them for drugs. just unbeliveable.

so we go into the show, some bands i wasnt too interested in play and i stand there. when one band played 1 or 2 kids start a mosh pit. that mosh pit was the biggest waste of space ever. basicly 1 kid starts kicking around and stuff for like 10 seconds stops, stands there a little, plays air guitar and starts punching like an idiot. i thought about going into it and just punching the guy in the face but i was too tired. this thing was like 5 feet in diameter and just wasting room, seriously. then we got to the good part, bedlight. we moved up closer to the stage and they start playing, they were just insanely energetic and not in a the entire band is just randomly jumping around way but the singer was just messing with the crowd and singing in peoples faces and stuff. the bass player was the only one really rocking out, but it was cool cause he was laying down the funk. im definately going again when they come back.

later we went back to erins and saw forest gump which is pretty much my favorite movie of all time. yep. hung out and went to sleep. it was a great way to end the summer. which brings me to my next point(which is a sad one) school is starting! ahhhh...this year is gona be horrible. im gona have to actually do work..and noones in my classes, its just depressing. sorry to end this entry on such a bad note but i was pretty much sad over this the whole time i was writing the entry so it had to be included.

Schedule

2005-09-02T17:59:32Z

-"What day do you think we'll get our schedules?"
="I dont care. I dont want them to come"
-"Why?"
="Because thats when you find out how much the year is gona suck"

My brother was right.

1-algebra 2:DeBarbieri
2-us hist 2 hon:Manning
3-art 3:Young
4/5-(1st semester)modern amer media:Bradley
(2nd semester)photography:Vodofsky
6/7-dramatics:VanDyke
8-lunch
9/10-srv am lit h:Cohen,M
11-cp Chemistry:Chanda (monday lab)
12-phys ed 11 4d:north gym(old one)

it might change depending on different things.

let me know.

New Jeans

2005-09-01T03:29:39Z

Went shopping with erin today. i bought a pair of jeans that im not too sure i want to keep. to help me decide if i wanted to keep them or take em back ive compiled a list of pros and cons the pants have and i am now going to share that list with you:

Pros:
-they fit nicely around my legs (tight but not too tight)
-i have a sweet bulge whilst wearing them
-i got them on sale
-they have a cool design thing on the back pocket
-the fabric is comftrable
-my mom likes them(i started getting desperate for pros at this point)

Cons:
-they fit a little too tightly around the waist
-im afraid they will shrink and wont fit me anymore
-the length looks a little weird when i wear the shoes i usually wear because the shoes are really low cut
-althought i got them on sale they were still 60 dollars
-the pockets are kind of small
-joanna told me to take them back because its ridiculous to spend that much money on jeans

there you have it. i still dont know what to do...i could take them back and buy other jeans but it might not be the same. or i could keep them and run the risk of them not fitting me anymore. the waste of money i dont think would be too bad since my mom paid for them but still...id kinda feel bad.

Ian Sage

2005-08-30T00:56:45Z

I was looking for new music to listen to and i went to the myspace page of a band called Ghosts On The Radio. i started to listen and liked it but then i looked at the blogs and read this: LOVE...I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT. so i went in to read.

i belive this is the best way i have ever seen anyone put it.

If you had asked me 6 months ago what love was, I would have told you that love was merely a word that described an emotion that human beings could not possible comprehend nor control. And if you had asked me what was the point of a relationship, I would have said--to indulge your insecurity....but now, I think I got it....See, the biggest problem with the human being, is the mind and the heart always being at odds with one another, that is what creates the indecisiveness....we want to love something just long enough to hate it...we want to cherish it...just long enough to abuse it. We love to build people up, just to break them down, it is in our nature. I mean think about the conflict...you meet someone and your mind goes "Damn, that person is really cool, we have great talks, I feel the connection!" and your heart goes "Nah, not interested" Then the mind goes "Oh c'mon, please..I am so tired of being miserable, just indulge me here". and your heart, coyly buffing it's nails against it's t-shirt replies, "Nah, how bout that person over there!" as it points to someone who is completely the last thing you need on the planet, but somehow you feel a sexual attraction and you sense that maybe this person "needs you", when if fact they just need help in general..therapy...LOL. Your mind immediately goes "Oh, God no!! Not again...Please no! Please! But your heart goes "Yeah, for sure...I like this one, she's a keeper!" And the sad thing is...Your fucking heart always wins!!!!
.........So, what is love...........Love is when your mind finally agrees with your heart...it is when you meet someone who fulfills you. I never thought this could be possible, I settle way too much. People say listen to your heart....fuck the heart....listen to your mind!!! If your heart agrees...you're set!!!

-Ian Sage

http://www.myspace.com/GhostsontheRadio
listen to their music and read their other blogs, its all good.

Armor for Sleep

2005-08-29T21:09:48Z

So. i guess my livejournal is back.

went to see Armor for Sleep last night with Erin and Jordan. they were awesome, i wasnt too fond of the other two bands that played. they played good but i just didnt really like their sound. idk lately ive been listening to a lot of different bands and sometimes ill like someone and the next day think its trash. maybe i just get in musical moods and if something doesnt fit what mood im in it wont work for me. anyway, the show was in a small place called maxwells. it was pretty nice to be so close to the band, even if i was standing all the way in the back of the room. there were some stair type things going up to the walls tho so i was over everyone elses heads and got to see them just fine. they played practicaly every song i wanted to hear. the truth about heaven, car underwater, my town and dream to make believe. there were some other songs but i didnt really care too much for them, good stuff either way tho. i still hear the ringing in my ears.

slept over erins after that, we watched sin city. good movie all over. later on we went to sleep and me and erin were talking for a bit. which is when something hilarious happened and i quote. (Erin)"yo, if we dont lose our virginity by senior year were just gona go on a roadtrip to florida and just....fucking fuck bitches" woke up the next morning and watched garden state ive seen it before but i wasnt really paying attention so it was better this time. it kinda made me think of the person i was with last time i saw it. you know who you are. maybe. i think youre still on my friends list for this thing. we should catch up, if you dont want to then thats alright too.

going to see bedlight for blueeyes this friday, that should be good. i love it when music is good